I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
nyc:
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Respect
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.