I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

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Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.


Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.


My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.


Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus


I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.


applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend


Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!