@NikiWithIssues

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

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@sinnerland

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

@slimmy_shady

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@RidiculousSheri

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

@craiguito

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

@NoLuckWanted

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

@GrantTanaka

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@YesitsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!