Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably