I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.