i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex