I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder


They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.


Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.


Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.


Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*


Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.


Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.


Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”



[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets


Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males