I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year