I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone