I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
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Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
just left a huge legacy in there
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.