I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.