I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Welcome to the stomach
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3