@Lhlodder

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

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@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

@curlycomedy

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

@QwertyJones3

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

@eleniZarro

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

@shutupmikeginn

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

@jordan_stratton

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

@HousewifeOfHell

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.