I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit


wife [whispers] Josh
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again


People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.


“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.


-guys who work in a crematorium


You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables


I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.


Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.


My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor


Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.