I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Usage Guidelines
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly