I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity