I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains