I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”