Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I have never heard an armadillo before.

huge if true: the moon

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Love it! 👍😂

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”