“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.