@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

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@murrman5

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

@JennyJohnsonHi5

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@dubstep4dads

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey