I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day