i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.