i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-


ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is


I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman


Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.


I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language


I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle


Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.