@surrealvehicle

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

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@SteveKoehler22

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

@bobvulfov

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@mrtruthandsoul

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@realsmiles17

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

@FunInternetGuy

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@dimestorec0wgrl

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.