I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.