Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
P: The weakened
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
What’s pink and fluffy?
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.