I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!