I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me too 😆
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?