I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.