“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.