I’m just playing devils avocado here
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥