I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Worst bar ever.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting