I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I think the cat got the dog high.
Planet of the Apps.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.