I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
What about a To-Don’t List?
dream blunt rotation
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something