I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.