I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s