I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing