I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
You Might Also Like
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Real House Wines.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap