I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.