Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.