I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.