Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

inside you are two wolves

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course