I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
You Might Also Like
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
How does one answer this?