I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
how to have an accident 101
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.