I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Just a bush.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face