i’m laughing very hard in real life
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding