I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack