@CSAviate

i’m laughing very hard in real life

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@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@bridger_w

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@iwearaonesie

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack