I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
hey, alexa
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.