I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”


I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.


I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.


My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.


The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”


Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.


Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.


Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.