*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.