I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.