I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend