I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.