Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

🤣

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

God has abandoned us.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”