I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”