@Nickadoo

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

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@bourgeoisalien

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

@AlexKaan47

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

@Sultani_Sails

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

@greenmartinis

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@QwertyJones3

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

@ElgatoEsmio

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

@Teowulf

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.