I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
You are what you delete.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.