I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

You Might Also Like


No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.


My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.


I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory


I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate


Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.


I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.


A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.


Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.


I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.