@bourgeoisalien No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
@Nickadoo I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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@bourgeoisalien 
@Pork_Chop_Hair My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
@AlexKaan47 I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
@Sultani_Sails Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
@AimeeHelene1 The French cow says MEUX…
@greenmartinis I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
@QwertyJones3 A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
@ElgatoEsmio Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
@Teowulf I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.