“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone