I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do