I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.


[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*


In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.


director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.


Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here


Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.


Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”


My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history


My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.