I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!