We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.