I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you