im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
lol
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”