I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You better watch out
Perfection.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it