I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”