I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.